Homeland Dreams...

Note.  this post is not structured.  just rambling rambling irregularly.

Soooo strange...

ok.  Maybe this is too much information.  But wtf.  A while back I made a decision that when I die I would like to be buried in Toronto.

Ok.  That is too much information.  I have a million more years to go though so no worries.

So.  everytime I have a dream that's set in Zim, I wake up feeling so weird.  Like where is this place???  I mean considering I haven't lived there in 8.5 years, it's amazing how my subconscious recalls it so vividly.

Toight I had a dream...

We were living at our house in Highlands.  Huge house, many acres of yard and a well, pool and lots of corn in the back yard.  In the dream, the house and yard looked exactly the way it did when I was in 3rd Grade. 

So we had this maid Tracy.  In the dream she had a boyfriend who happened to live in the servants' quarters of a nearby house.  

(growing up we were middle class and we had maids and gardeners) (now almost everyone is poor because of blablabla)

(given all the terrible ways that the colonizers treated us.  how could we then go on to treat other people of our own race just as badly by taking on the same classism that had been directed towards us.  how could us, black people, have maids who we paid very little and who we confined to living in these tiny really gross shacks)....ok. disclaimer.  in my family the maid shared a room with yours truly and was treated almost like family.  i effin hated sharing my room.  but maybe that was more humane...

Ok. back to the dream.  

In the dream, the maid went off on an errand to buy bread or something from the grocery store.  Instead she ran off to steal some loving time with her boyfriend the gardener.  since she was taking forever to return and the task was timely, my sister and I went to go get her.  We found her.  So on the way back to the house - we had to run quickly through a field of dried corn.  The maid kept saying how we had to run faster coz the corn spirits had been angered and were gonna kill us.  And in the dream I taunted back saying "Corn spirits don't exist.  Fuck them!".  My sister was appalled to hear such language and cautioned me abour respecting the earth or something....then the corn spirints got angrier but luckily we made it back to the house in time.

I dunno.  I just feel weird.  Right this second I can recall every single detail about the house in Highlands.  We only lived there for 4 years, but all of a sudden today 18 years later, everything is vividly awake in my memory...

the kitchen had bright green walls...There were two mulberry trees in the yard...i remember my mom making mulberry jam and my dresses being stained with the juice...the well in the garden was really deep and dirty and ancient but we kids found it so exciting that we had an actual well in the yard.  my neighbors had a lychee tree and sometimes they lychees fell into our own garden.  my parents had two cars - a blue nissan pick up truck and a white nissan datsun that my mom drove to work.  my mom was a nurse at the main city hospital.  my sister hadn't been born yet.  my eldest brother hated everyone and one day tried to kill the other brother.  The curtains in my room where purple and flowery.  I used to have these out of body experiences.  I was in 3rd grade.  i would wake up with this feeling that I had been flying around my room all night and I was convinced it was the case.  my 3rd grade teacher Mrs Harnden used to read Roald Dahl to us.  I remember listening to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  I was a very cute child.  I was still alright.  I had very neat writing.  One day when dad was supposed to pick me up from school, he was 3 hours late and it was dark.  Everyone had left. and so I decided to walk home.  We lived a 15 minute walk from the school but my parents never let me walk.  Anyway, so I'm walking along and then dad finally shows up as I'm on my way and I got yelled at.  Like super duper yelled at.  I cried.  My cute little 3rd grade self.  I thought I was being sensible by walking home and here I get yelled at for walking home alone.  Effin parents.  I also remember going to Greenwood park.  It's this really awesome theme park kind of - with ferris wheels etc.  I remember going boating with my classmates and I was wearing this lacy green dress (i did wear dresses) and my belt got lost.  Dad was late to pick me up after that trip as well.  That's when I stopped trusting my parents.  You can't be late if you tell the child you'll be there at 5pm.  I mean...don't parents have to be perfect or something...

I used to have this really awesome jacket.  It had snapper buttons and was a mixture of all kinds of cute graphics and colors like yellow and pink.  My mother is a super duper seamstress and she made it for me.  I wore it to almost all my civies days (the days when you didn't have to wear uniform) in primary school.  

All my life I slept with the light on.  Until very recently I started to turn the light off.  Right this second I want to sleep but my body and mind are just wide awake.  my head hurts prolly because it wants to be asleep too...my room is 150 degreen hot.  i'm convinced that maybe i'm sleeping in a sauna in some sleexy seedy gay bar.  i just turned on my lamp.  now i'll try to sleep...blogging while i sleep isn't helping.  i don't usually fall asleep like this.  always a first.  not working....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

dunno why these things are on my mind.  must sleeppppppp for a few more hours.  just needed to get it out on paper.  or screen.