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Kujichagulia Day 2 Kwanzaa

Yay!!!

Kujichagulia means self determination.  Defining and naming yourself through freedom of thought, freedom of action and self will and power.

That's  a beautiful thought.

Today I've spent a lot of time exploring with the Flash program.  It's quite exciting to learn.  I'm in the process of learning some different programs.  I'm considering starting a blog to share some of my digital journey.  Mostly for myself, I guess.  I miss blogging with purpose.  I miss journaling.  I don't even own a journal right now!  Maybe that's why I tend to talk a lot...

Today is boxing day!!!

Christmas was pretty cool.  

The best thing was spending many hours in the company of these awesome people.  They're really radical thinkers and they love each other and i twas amazing to be around.  At the end of the evening, we felt like best friends forever.  

I am blessed with knowing and meeting people that are amazing.  Every week I meet people who are so loving and beautiful.  I can only hope that I can share some light also.

I am the the process of choosing a three word resolution for 2009.  I know for sure that there are three things I want to put most of my energy into :

1. Looking after myself and making myself the priority in my life.    

2.  Practicing focus.  FollowOneCourseUntilSuccessful.

3.  Thinking positive thoughts

NYE I need to spend alone being artsy and doing the things I love.  Also some reflection time.  Yippee!  meanwhile, I must rest, rejuvenate and get ready from some six week focus programs which start tommorow:)

Oh dear...It's Christmas morning and I'm on blogger :)

I wouldn't have it any other way!

So I've decided that in small ways each year I will honor the Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa  & the new year.

Last Sunday we celebrated Hanukkah at my church.  

On a personal note, I am seeking three Hanukkah miracles :

1.  Nine clients for January.

2.  $300 000 saved up by Fall 2010.

3.  Success in my North American immigration journey.

In honor of the solstice, I am taking time out to enjoy the weather and also go through transformations so that I emerge from the spring triumphant.  The winter transformations I am working on are

1.  getting in super awesome shape so that in the spring I can start training for my marathon.

2.  to be thinking mostly all positive thoughts by the spring.  I'm doing very well with that one...  It's amazing how much progress I continue to make on this.  It's beautiful. 

Speaking of Christmas.  Last night I went to the Christmas Eve service at my church.  It was so beautiful.  The first time in my life that I saw something good that is related to Christianity.  I love my church.  It's Unitarian Universalist meaning that we are open to all beliefs and everyone can decide from themself what spiritual living means and we find out connection through being human.  It's soooo amazing to be part of this family.

During last night's service we sang carols.  The pastor lit a candle and everyone had their own candle and we passed on the flame until everyone's candle was lit.  We sang "The twelve days of Christmas" Elmo style !!!  The pastor retold the nativity scene in a very cool way.  He stopped at three different points to focus on three aspects:

1.  Embarking on a Journey.  This woman  came up to share a super duper inspirational story about her life.  She's been a social worker for many years, she comes from a large family and is always the one who is relied on to take care of things.  She's been a single parent for many many years.  Her life has been about giving giving giving.  Until one day something happened that prompted her to do more of the things she wants to do.  So she got a tattoo, and took more ownership of just being an individual.  She talked about how in our UU community you receive more than you give so it makes you want to give even more...so true....This really moved me.  The main reason I left teaching is that each year I felt like I was giving and giving and losing without getting back in my life.  Taking care of my family and disintegrating in the process.  I felt like I did teach as a back up plan but really I hadn't figured out what I wanted yet.  But now I know what I want.  Since I left teaching, I spend all my time doing only the things I want to do.  Fuck convention or what anyone thinks of me.  I'm living my life and it's bloody beautiful:)  There is no reason to compromise or succumb to the norm.  It makes me happy as it is and it will only get better from here.  

2.  Being turned away at the Inn.  One of the congregation members shared with us how crappy the health system in North America is and how unless you go to a private hospital, you need to go through the emergency care and usually they don't let you stay overnight and admit you unless you can convince them you're doing.  As a result of this system, her monther's stroke systems went ignored until she finally had the stroke and almost died.  Effin North America and Allopathic medicine.  It makes me so angry...like peopel tell me about their 10 minute doctor visits??? what is that?  Naturopathic Doctors spend 60-90 minutes with you - really caring and helping you figure out and treat the cause of disease...these two types of doctors should work together to bring health to the people...fat chance.  In 6 years I'll be an ND.  I digress.

3.  Giving birth.   At this point, a woman came up to share with us about how she had her daughter a year ago.  It was great to hear her talk about how bitchy she was during the last days of pregnancy, but how when the baby was born, just one look into her eyes brought so much hope and beauty into her world.  Ok... and so my little wondering mind began to fantasize about making babies!! For a split second.  

The service was so beautiful.  The people at my congregation are my family.  I am so happy and blessed.  After the service, the children pounced on the gingerbread house outside the church.  One of my friends asked me where my bf was.  Then I just got annoyed and sad that she'd asked me that question.  For the first time this season, it dawned on me that maybe I was a little sad not to be seeing him on this day.  I know it's just a day and I don't care.  But after my friend asked me, I actually gave it some thought and I felt sad.  Oh well.

Then i went home and I made beautiful meal!!! I made organic cranberry sauce with agave nectar.  It tastes better than the canned stuff.  I made it from scratch and it's all healthy - you can eat miles of it without getting a sugar high!!  It's flavoured with cinnamon, allspice and ginger and has apples and pears and oranges in there...how delish.  I also baked some yummy dark mean turkey and cooked delishus brown basmati rice.  The best part - I made a brilliant vegetable peanut stew with kale, chard, mushrooms and lots of other goodies.  This stew is sooo divine.  I wish someone would share it with me.

Now I'm up.  updating my blog.  I'm going to the gym!!! It's Christmas morning and I'm going to the gym even though I haven't been in forever!  Only I would choose to do something like this.

Then I'll come home and cook delish breakfast, watch cheesy holiday movies on my laptop while the cherry pie is baking.  Then I'm off to Christmas Dinner with E & B from church at their house.  They get to sample my cranberry sauce!! yay :)  Then after that it's home time.

And tommorow is day one of kwanzaa!!! Tommorow I want to go to the gym and the movies.  I'm one of those resolution people, so I'm thinking of what I want to work on in 2009.  I will choose three main things with tangible results.  yippeee yippeeee yippeee.

I guess the holiday spirit did catch on to me after all.  I'm having fun and doing only the things I want to do.  Hip hip hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Effin Holidayz...

For the past two years I had this adorable little Christmas tree in my room in Harlem. I would keep the tree up and all my Christmas cards up for three months. Why. Because I am a big cheeseball. The tree was about 1.5 feet tall and decorated with silver gift packages and tinsel and christmas lights. I kept the tree under my lovely loft bed. My room always looked gorgeous...

I hate Christmas. Especially this year. I hate consumerism. People go around buying crap. I wouldn't mind so much if the holiday had a different name. Like Walmart Day. I have a huge issue with the history of this day. Who was Jesus? Did this person even exist?

Why is the world so dumb. Why are people so gullible that they buy stupid stuff and live at Walmart.

Am I just as dumb?

My grandad used to kill us a goat at Christmas. Now the cost of a goat is a couple thousand USD so they can't afford to kill a goat. And my pops used to make me recite baby jesus verses from the bible on Christmas Day. That used to upset me and I would think "I would rather be buried alive than recite this crap".

I'm still alive.

December 25th 1997. I ran away from home at 7am. I told my dad that I hated him and that I didn't want to celebrate Christmas Dinner with them.

I came back home a few hours later. Sniffling and sobbing. I got dressed, and then pretended to eat breakfast. The car was not working, so we took a commuter omnibus to Cranborne to have Christmas Dinner with some close family friends. Tasty food. Dumb Christian nonsense. Meanwhile my heart is effin breaking and all I could think about was calling Katie the next day to tell her everything...about how i hated my parents and how i died everytime I had to pretend I believe in christianity. If only corporal punishment didn't exist.

Some memories aren't so bad. Like playing Santa with my siblings and making them sing "we three kings of orient are...". I used to get everyone a gift. One year I saved up all these $2 bills and made everyone Christmas Crackers. I remember when my parents bought us books at Christmas. And the huge Christmas tree we had in Highlands. I even remember when I believed in Father Christmas. I was a gullible sucker.

Ok....

Fast forward to North America. Aunty Susan and company. Christmas there was always the best. I got lots of prezzies and she treated me just like I was her daughter. She always does. I miss my stocking...Christmas in Burlington, VT with Hannah's family. Magical. There is this adorable picture of us in our holiday clothes passed out on the couch...Advent calendars in upstate NY...Going to the National Cemetary in DC with SVG and company on christmas day...then last year sadza with Peshi & company in New Jersey and my brilliant photo holiday cards that I gave to everyone...my secret santa at work who gave me all these kool triathlon gifts...

Ok. This year I'm spending Christmas dinner with these peeps from my UU community. I decided that I don't like celebrating Christmas. But I get so homesick around now and I don't want to be sad.

When someone says happy holidays to me I feel like yelling. Or throwing up. Why do humans follow so blindly. I don't want any holiday wishes or presents or christmas cards. I just want a friggin normal month. And to know that my family is ok.

I do respect whatever y'all celebrate. Maybe I will make myself into a stereotype and celebrate Kwanzaa.

I love giving. I always have and always will. I prefer to give to people because it makes me so happy. I like to make someone smile. In high school I remember I knew most people's birthdays and would always make stuff like cards and get gifts. I prefer to give. Receiving is fun sometimes but I only like to receive meaningful and useful things. I don't like gifts that are cheap, or afterthoughts that take two seconds to conjure up. I prefer hugs and snail mail and thoughtful things.

I will celebrate the New Year in style. That is the one tradition that I cling to. I am cooking dinner and having peeps over on Jan 1st.

Happy new Year everyone. Will post again in January. Happy Kwanzaa everyone!

Yonge Street does look pretty...

Why Toronto...

I am asking myself why I am here.

I don't know where I want to be.

I need safe space. Family and friends who feel like family. I am slowly finding that and it's beautiful.

I am working on being patient and caring about other people.

I need a huge hug right now.

More on why I love TO

Yonge Street is to pretty with the holiday lights!!

I hardly see policemen/policewoman. Whenever I see one if freaks me out. Quite a contrast to NYC where it seems like there's a bunch of cops at every block...

Improv Toronto events like playing Where's Waldo in Eaton Ctr


Hmmmmm....I'm even used to the ridiculous taxes now.