A new week...........

Cold mornings, Hot days, Cool evenings.

Happy Fall!

Fall Renewal!

I'm eating really well during these two weeks & taking time off exercise. Refocusing my goals and taking care of myself.

I'm doing well most times. I'm looking forward to being closer to High Park beginning in November.

I've been hanging out with my friend Emma & we connect so well it's so exciting to spend time with her. I also like hearing about her relationships and insights in to spiritualism etc. This is the closest friend I've had since moving to TO & I can tell her anything and everything. I feel like I get to have a sister.

Next weekend I hope to go the water communion...

I want to take some dancing classes - I miss moving in that way on a regular basis. Free classes would be a good start :) Maybe I can create a solo class in my room!

In other news...my heart is temporarily singing the bruised blues.

Holding my breath!!!

so I applied to live in this house. I really hope I get it...I will find out this afternoon...

My heart

Today one of my friends wrote to me to tell me that I'm beautiful & that I have a great spirit and smile.

I am sort of swooning on cloud number nine because I feel very psychically connected to this friend even though we only talk or see one another once every four months. I can't explain the psychic connection, but I've felt it ever since we met, and I feel so blessed just to know someone like this exists. Like a parent, sibling or a guardian angel.

Like on Saturday when I was having a super low low moment and I opened my email and there was an email from my friend - after 4 months of no communication. The timing was amazing because all of a sudden, I felt alright and I knew the universe was telling me to hold on because there is so much beauty in the world and that everything's gonna be ok.

Thank you, A.D. for matching & mirroring me.

For S.D.M in BK: J'attends le Thai _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Torontonians Rule!

It's been almost a year of me in Canada!

Wow!

I have made a lot of progress. However, one could also say I have made no progress.

!!!

Good times.

Mostly chilling at the library these days.

High Park is AMAZING! It's the largest park in TO and I spent six hours in the park yesterday. I was practicing Thai massage on one of my friends. It was an amazing time. She's really awesome and it's great to really click with someone on so many levels. I'm blessed to have a friend like this.

Malcom Gladwell... rocks!

I just finished reading Outliers and I am blown away. It is sooo wonderful to read something written by Malcolm who things outside the box and is an amazing researcher & writer.

I find it so refreshing to read or hear ideas that question some of the things that most people regard as fact.

I think Malcolm Shumba is a beautiful name for a boy child.

Outlier made me think about things I haven't thought about in a while. I could talk for days about those things... Outlier sparked thoughts to do with nationality, US immigration laws etc. One of the things that has been most difficult for me living in North America is not having my family around. In 2003 I went through a really difficult transitional period and I just needed my mom & dad to be there. I used to wish they could have come to my graduation and held my hand and told me to come home for a year while I figure out my life, or loan me money while I was jobless. However, I had no choice but to push through and do what had to be done. Which we all do. But I felt like that struggle was unnecessary, you know - community & love seemed somehow lacking in the way that my parents could provide.

Gladwell's book talks about how success is a combination of hard work, persistence, but also strongly related to our origins, accumulative advantages, how we are parented, our year of birth etc.

Returning to my reflection of my own journey...

I'm at a stage where I know exactly what I want. Family & business wise. I know the kind of work that will make my heart full. I'm having one of those years where I feel like all I need is my mother. Or a baby.

Malcolm Shumba

Anyway. You should read all Gladwell's books.

Opening one's mind...

"Fear can be manufactured simply by inventing a story about the future that is not real.....and then acting like it is real. Interesting that out of the millions of stories we could invent, we would invent a scary one. If we are going to invent stories anyhow, we might as well invent one that feels good.....takes just as much effort, it's more likely to be true and even if it isn't, you'll feel better." J. Hough

"Waiting for a sign from the Universe is like waiting for the cookies to bake, when you're the one with your hand on the temperature guage. Any 'signs' you see are simply a reflection of your actions and vibration.....the Universe does not have any control of your life......it simply reflects back to you your degree of 'yes-ness'. " J. Hough

embracing the present...

As of today, I am looking for a job. (once again) hooray!
A few epiphanies snapped me back to reality.

I am fixing up my resume once again and job hunting in Toronto. I just sent out a few resumes. And no sketchy job searches. No worries there.

To be honest I gave up the job hunt after April. It took me a long time to forgive myself for not getting offered my dream job after four interviews. I hope that one day I can fully let it go and see the beauty of the situation. I am done with the "woe is me, boo hoo hoo crap". Plain negative stuff.

Anyway, aside from sending out resumes, I am exploring some new business ideas. I'm well aware of the areas I need to grow.

I have a breakthrough where workshops are concerned. The owner of this really cool art-shop is willing to have me host one of my workshops in the store. It is up to me to make the rest of this happen.

maybe a haircut is in order...

summer 2009 in Toronto!

My first Canadian summer!

The garbage collectors & other city workers are on strike in Toronto & have been for over a week now.

Pretty crazy, huh?

The city is kinda of smelly. Sometimes it seems to me that TO's subway & streetcars are dirtier than NYC. In NYC they cleaned the subway every single day. In Toronto - every few weeks it seems they decide to make a measly cleaning attempt.

Definitely just my skewed opinion.

Toronto is ok. However, when I give birth to my baby (not yet conceived - I'm a virgin & I'm still looking for diaper $$ & a father), I want the little baby to be born in an obscure village in the French speaking part of Canada. Preferably a village with a long name whose meaning I don't even know.

nuff said.

this post is random.

On more personal notes...June was good. July is off to a somewhat rocky start. I'm working on a project that requires me to really step out of my comfort zone. I close my eyes & I remember my WSC family & how much they love me & always encouraged me. How Jeanne always supported me 300% - ALL THE TIME. I need sooo much support in order to see this project through and presently I feel that I don't have it. I am trying to give myself the support, but so far it's not enough & I keep stalling and postponing. Divine intervention is needed. If I don't see this through by the end of July, then I will have to postpone it for another time when the conditions are better for ripening.

Otherwise. what else.

Trying to stay aware of my intuition and leaving the ego behind. That one is a life long challenge. My ego is always ready to beat the crap out of anyone who wants to say crap or is annoying. Meanwhile my intuition is whispering to me to focus on other beautiful things.

Here is an excellent clarifier for intuition vs ego: CLICK HERE

I need some fun & challenges. just a change of some sort. maybe just Baileys and a sidekick. I really miss being a sidekick.

Bart Simpson where are you?

better yet

the days of super B in NYC...

randomness & life after colonization...

yesterday, I made lunch for my friend and I & took it downtown for his lunch break. He's an interesting character - and probably more of an acquaintance than a friend. Anyway. The lunch was more for me. I wanted to extend a gesture to him that I don't entirely hate him. We are worlds apart. From the same country, but he is a super religious nutcase with all these conventional idea. A few weeks ago we had a huge argument about Christianity and the existence of god and that book they call the bible. Anyway. I was very respectful, but sometimes among people from my country there is an unspoken assumption that everyone is a Christian and those who are not are stupid.

Anyway. Lunch yesterday was interesting. He was fascinated by the whole wheat bread and he'd never eaten raisins and walnuts so I had to explain to him what those were. He didn't like the vegetables on sprouted bread - I assume it was way too healthy a taste. Also traditionally, my people eat wellcooked veggies rather than delicious raw ones...

It was interesting to talk about some issues regarding life back home. I don't know too much about my own country's history and the little bits I know, I pick up from people as I go along. My school only taught me about Hitler & Mussolini while neglecting to teach me about Nehanda. I am a true child of the FUCKING british. Anyway, my friend made the point that he agrees with the whole idea that the white farm.ers were kicked out of the country. He started to tell me about how before that happened, the white people who were 3% of the country owned 95% of the resources and most of them just sat prettily, didn't work at all and yet they were millionaires, while our black parents struggled to make a living.

Now. We own our own country...but...there is so much corruption and disorganization that a goodo 3% of wealthy black people still control things and we are only surviving because of those of us that are slaving away in western lands.

Fine.

Both of those scenarios suck. I don't think it's ok that even now, sanctions are imposed upon us until we agree to share our resources with the British. That is effed up. Majorly. I also look back and see how hard my parents worked and how little of it shows, yet many of the British friends' just sat pretty. I dunno. Maybe I was too young to notice or care. I don't think it's about race though. People can't just take advantage of us Africans like that and get away with it.
The world justice system is DUMB. It doesn't protect the poor African people from the corrupt shit.

This all make sense to me.

Anyway. Fk the past. I just want my child to grow up sheltered in a lovely village in Quebec.

Phew.

I'm doing well. Off to drink some water.

random thoughts on things fall apart...

Chinua Achebe's "Things Fall Apart" is an classic novel by an African author. Before I moved to the US, I hadn't really read any books by African authors. Perhaps it's the nostalgia that has sparked my interest in Achebe. That, and the fact that I am a writer myself and I understand the importance of paying homage to those that have paved the way for us.

This book was interesting. A story about a proud man Onkwonkwo who has worked hard to obtain in social standing and wealth. He has many wives and he is a successful breeder of yams. He is proud and has worked hard to earn his success. Things fall apart for him on more than one occassion and that for me is reality. Pride before a fall. Achebe is intense in his discriptions. To be honest, sometimes I don't like the way he uses the language. However I am picky about style. The story flows well. I have a hard time reading about the patriarchy and dumb laws in a primitive African Village. I also have a hard time reading about the moment when the white missionaries came along to convert the natives from their ancestoral ways. Both systems seem very intolerant and full and rules - how can one possibly be right. My personal religion is love and I don't believe in the other stuff because it divides the world more often than not. However, that's just the way it is.

My favorite part is when Onkwonkwo kills himself because he can't bear to see his old way of life falling apart and his people compromising to christianity more and more...

In a nutshell, I'm glad I read the book, and I'm elated that I don't live in a village phew. In a week I will read his other book "Arrow of God". I am looking forward to it.

My Thoughts about "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe

coming soon in my next post...

Springalicious!

Remember that

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out"

whoever said that is effin god.

Spring Tyme!

“And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

"Life should NOT be a journey
to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, Champagne in
one hand – strawberries in the
other, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming
‘WOO HOO – What
a Ride!"
Mavis Leyrer

Interesting week ahead...

I'm a little whiny coz I miss a boy.

There is a lot this week:
four quizzes, maybe filing Canadian taxes, applying for an apartment, waiting to hear about a job, starting to exercise again, one of my best friends flying to spend a few days with me. These are just a few of the things going on...

I must begin college application...sometime!

All these things are good. I just want a much calmer daily life though.

Walking along the beach in the spring...

My first walk along the beach in 2009!

So many roller-bladers around!

On Tuesday I will attempt to run on the boardwalk :)

How to make Toronto feel like NYC!

My best summers ever have been the ones I spent in New York City.

I expect my first summer in Toronto to be my best summer yet!

I'm applying to move to an apartment in a more centralized neighborhood in Toronto. From here on out it's the dumb logistics that I'm trying to figure out - rental application with the building office. I have a meeting with them on Friday.

Otherwise I'm excited at this possibility & really want this to happen :) :) :)

Meanwhile - the potential move - in date is 2.5 months away which is good coz it gives me a chance to really fall in love with the beach near my house knowing that it's temporary makes it that much more appealing!

Bring on the summer, Toronto...

Spring in Toronto!!!

Never mind that it snowed two weeks ago!

It's spring. Today I took a lovely walk through the park near my house. Everything seems so much lighter and jollier these days. I did some spring cleaning & I'm getting rid of junk internally & externally. Helena The Minimalist!

Of course there are some pretty uncool things in my life presently, like not getting the job I wanted, my computer acting up & my annoying roommates.

However there is awesomeness too:
I made two wonderful new friends during the past two days. There is a 90% chance that I'm moving on July 1st to a new home. (I will find out if I have been accepted on Friday). I'm applying for an awesome program for September (application due June 30th). I'm planning on teaching an outdoor fitness class for June 1st.

Lately I have a tendency to want to do things spontaneously - like calling people at the last minute to hang out, or randomly making new plans. This is the me that I've been missing! She's back!

Trusting the universe. The rest of the nitty gritty details will sort themselves out.

Thanks y'all for your support & for sharing part of my journey.

Hiatus Again...

Happy Spring, Everyone!

M-A-C makeup & unemployment!!!

Today was the last day at my job! I am so proud of myself for the 4 weeks I spent there. I learned SOO much & kept my integrity throughout. I left on a good note with everyone.

My co-worker Matt was so awesome. He really understood me even though I have barely spoken to him. He gave me such a firm handshake. To me that means the world. He said "you will know where you fit, when you get there".

It reminds me of my co-worker Paul from WSC in NYC. When I left my job last year, Paul said something like "enjoy the world & don't stop until you find your home...."

Honestly I'm realizing more and more that the home I seek is just me. These next few weeks it's just me. Reading, sleeping, running, writing, walking. The next step? Setting some concrete goals. Spending some time writing my business plan. Just being me. Being open to new opportunities...

I've been missing Super B, H & all your folks in the US of A.

Does the universe have perfect timing, or is the universe always fucking up with the timing of things?

Easter! Time for rebirth! Drastic & wonderful changes ahead!